


took too many hits off this memory (i need to come down)

by ashleygail



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Cab Driver Eddie, Canon Divergence, Comedian Richie, Eddie/Myra for one second, Fix It Canon, Forgetting Fic, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Hotel Sex, M/M, Making Out, Mentions of public sex, Remembering Fic, Sonia Kaspbrak’s A+ parenting, Vague Cheating, mentions of (past) drug abuse, they just don't know it, they're in LOVE your honour
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2020-05-10
Packaged: 2020-10-13 02:36:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20575052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashleygail/pseuds/ashleygail
Summary: “It’s sort of like a game.” Eddie suddenly felt overwhelming bold. “When I... When I watch your show. I would try to figure out what was you, and what was written for you. I think I did pretty much, especially now that I know you actually don’t write your own stuff.”Richie chuckled, but he continued to give Eddie a slightly confused look. “I thought you said you didn’t know me? How could you tell I didn’t write my own stuff?”[or: Eddie Kaspbrak doesn't remember much from his childhood. He doesn't really know he doesn't remember. He also doesn't know why he's so drawn this terrible comedian on tv, but when Eddie runs into him in a bar, and they spend the night together, Eddie's life is changed forever. It's finally back on track- and he doesn't know anything about it.]





	1. april 14 2007

_ “So my ex-girlfriend caught me masturbating to her friend’s Facebook page...” _

Eddie rolled his eyes, scoffing, but he didn’t turn the radio off. It wasn’t to say that Eddie was obsessed with this guy. Eddie wasn’t the type to follow celebrities or even really care, and this guy... he wasn’t even a real celebrity. He was just some random guy who does stand up on cable television. He wasn’t even that funny, he was vulgar and sometimes it seemed like even he didn’t enjoy his own jokes. Something about the guy called to Eddie, drew him in and he couldn’t help himself from watching every time his trashy show came on the TV.

Richie “Trashmouth” Tozier. Whenever somebody asked him, he didn’t have an answer to why he liked him so much. Nothing about his act was Eddie’s style, or something he’d enjoy. Outside of Eddie, his own girlfriend was the only person who knew that Eddie watched the show- and she expressed her displeasure about it every time.

_ Oh, Eddie bear, you shouldn’t watch such things! The language is just terrible, the jokes aren’t funny! We should watch something much better, this isn’t a good show, Eddie, Eddie can we please put on something else? I hate this show! _

Eddie sometimes thought that Myra hated it so much because Eddie loved it, and she feared that. Truthfully, her hatred of it only served to make Eddie want to watch it more. And somehow, it became a thing for him. Watching this terrible comedy show, seeing if it would ever get a laugh out of him. And sometimes... sometimes it did. Sometimes the Trashmouthed comedian would hit a joke _just right, _and Eddie wouldn’t be able to stop laughing. The kind of laugh that put an ache in his chest, a kind of laughter that he didn’t think he’d felt anywhere before. At least not in a very long time. The laughter itself was familiar in a sense, but Eddie wasn’t sure where he’d laughed like that before. Certainly not any time in his memory.

Myra was waiting in Eddie’s apartment when he got home. They’d been together less than a year- _ nine months, _ Eddie told himself. _ Nine months together- _but Myra had spent most of her time in Eddie’s apartment since they’d begun dating. She’d even started dropping hints that she thought that they should move in together officially- all things that Eddie had attempted to dodge that conversation whenever it had come up.

Nine months was too soon to think about moving in together. Way too soon.

“Hey, Myra.” Eddie tossed his car keys onto the table. Eddie’s apartment was small, the perfect size he needed for himself. A bedroom, a bathroom and joined living room/kitchen. There was a laundry room downstairs and the laundry card was included with rent. His bedroom even had a window, even if it was just the view of a back alley and garbage bins. “How was your day?”

Because Eddie asked her about her day, even when Eddie knew she sat around his apartment all day doing nothing. In the last nine months, Myra had worked less and less until Eddie couldn’t remember the last time she’d worked. Couldn’t remember the last time he’d seen her leave the apartment that wasn’t with him.

“You’re late.” Myra replied, and Eddie cringed. He turned around, preparing himself for the wide, puppy eyed look his girlfriend would be giving him. Sure enough, she was putting on the full show right down to the trembling bottom lip. “You said you would be home at 4:30.”

It was only 4:45, but Eddie knew better than to argue. “I know, honey, I’m so sorry. My last charge went late, they had a big route. I had to drive around nearly the whole city, then back again. I thought I’d be home by 4:30 this morning, but things came up. I’m sorry.”

“What if I had prepared a dinner for you, Eddie?” Myra asked. “It would’ve been sitting here, getting cold!”

Myra had never made Eddie dinner once in their entire relationship. She always insisted that Eddie take her out for dinner or otherwise Eddie cooked. Which meant they went out for dinner a lot, because Eddie’s cooking skills had peaked at grilled cheese and assorted boxed pastas. 

“Why would have had dinner at 4:30, Myra?” Eddie asked tiredly, running fingers through his hair. By the end of the day, his curls were always coming through. He tried to never draw attention to it because he knew Myra hated the curls- hated them the same way his mother had hated them while he was growing up. Hated how they made him look messy, anything else than perfectly put together.

Eddie didn’t always hate his curls, but he supposed it was easier to put them away and keep people happy rather than constantly fight against them. Everytime Eddie looked in the mirror before gelling his curls away, he got the oddest tug in his stomach. Some sort of vague memory that his brain couldn't touch. Then he’d slick the curls away, and the feelings would leave with them.

“Edward.” Myra said in that ugly, reprimanding tone that reminded Eddie so much of his mother that it made the hairs on his arms stand on end. “Don’t mess up your hair like that! It already looks so dirty when you get home. Take a shower and we can go out for dinner.”

“So, if you didn’t have dinner waiting then what are being you so pissy about?”

The words tumbled out of Eddie’s mouth before they’d touched his brain. His mouth just pushed them out without a single thought. Absolutely no regard for his self preservation, it almost felt like he wasn’t Eddie at all. But maybe he was. Maybe he was _ more _Eddie than he’d been in a long time.

“You can’t talk to me like that! Eddie!” Myra burst into loud, messy sobs but Eddie saw then that not a single tear was dripping down her face. “You’re supposed to love me! You don’t talk to people you love like that!”

_ What about how you talk to me everyday? _Eddie didn’t let the words leave his mouth this time, but it really fought against him. In his fight not to say the horrible thing, he said what was probably a much worse thing. “When did I say I loved you?”

The words dropped into the room but didn’t explode. The couple stood on either side of the room, just staring at one another. Eddie was half holding his breath, readying himself for the break down. It wouldn’t be the first time that Eddie had said something that set Myra off with a little thing he said- and this was a much, much worse thing.

When a single tear began to slip down Myra’s cheek, Eddie clenched his jaw and readied himself for the absolute worst.

“Eddie, how could say something like that to me?” Myra sobbed loudly, placing her hands over her eyes. Which was safe for them both, since Eddie immediately rolled his eyes at her voice. “How could you _ say that? _Just because you’re tired doesn’t mean you can be so mean!”

“I wasn’t tired until I got home.” Eddie snapped. “So, maybe I should just go back out!”

Myra’s nostrils flared, and her fists clenched. Eddie backed up slightly, but clenched his jaw all the same. “Eddie. Go take a shower and we will go out for dinner. Then we can come home and go to bed, and we’ll both feel better in the morning.”

“I never feel better in the morning!” Eddie shouted. “It’s _ never better.” _

The silence rang between for them a long time, Eddie’s chest heaving. Myra glowered deeply at him. “You’ve been listening to that disgusting comedian again, haven’t you? You always get like this after you’ve listened to him!”

Eddie stalled, the words clicking around inside his brain. Almost turning into a full thought. Almost, almost, almost. Why did Eddie feel like his whole life had been one big almost? His chest began to get very tight, and he found himself reaching for the inhaler in his pocket but he froze. Eddie didn’t need an inhaler, he just needed to get out of this building.

“I have to go.” Eddie said sharply, stumbling towards the door. He could hear Myra crying after him. “I have to go. I’m sorry. I can’t do this, I have to go.”

Myra followed him to the door of the apartment, but didn’t go any further. As Eddie knew she wouldn’t. Maybe it wasn’t exactly winning any argument, running away like that, but Eddie knew well enough that Myra would never chase him down. 

Eddie ran all the way down the 15 flights of stairs to get from his apartment to the ground, and then made it all the way to his car before he realized that he’d left his car keys on the kitchen table.

Groaning, Eddie ran his fingers through the already messed up curls. It wasn’t the smartest idea to go wandering around the streets of New York when the sun was starting to set, but there was no way in hell Eddie was going back up into that apartment with his tail between his legs. Sure, it was his and he logically could just kick her out but something about going back in the first place just felt too much like admitted defeat. She wasn’t going to win this time.

Stuffing his hands into his back pockets, Eddie started his slow walk down the streets. He had no destination in mind, no plan at all. No destination, and nothing to be sure of when he got home either. Except that when he got there, Myra would be sitting up waiting for him.

So Eddie walked. He walked and he walked until he something finally caught his eye. A bright sign, pink and yellow. It certainly wasn’t the first light that Eddie had seen on his walk, there had been more and more as the sky had gotten dark. Hundreds of colourful signs, none meaning anything. But this one... this one brought Eddie to a pause.

It was a bar, which hadn’t been Eddie’s scene since college. He supposed he’d spent more of his first year of college in the campus bars than in any of his classes. It had many been the time of his life, freshly free from his mother and spending his nights with his tongue down the throats of random, different-

Eddie cringed, the back of his head almost started to ache. Like his whole brain was trying to claw its way free from his skull while he stared at this stupid, bright bar sign. He shouldn’t go in, logic told him.

Maybe Eddie Kaspbrak was fucking tired of logic, though. 

The music in the bar was fucking horrible, that was the first thing Eddie noticed when he got inside. The next thing, of course, was the smell of sweat with a hint of sex, but that was to be expected. Eddie knew that smell, it was an old friend. Disgusting as it was, it was comforting. Freeing.

Eddie waved through the crowds of people towards the bar and sat down, pleasantly surprised when he found the stools twirled under his ass. Giggling to himself, Eddie turned the chair back around to the pretty bartender, who was watching him with a smile.

“Well there, sweetie.” She laughed. “Aren’t you just the cutest thing to walk through those doors all night. You better keep an eye on yourself, cutie, because they’re gonna be coming at you like flies to honey.”

Eddie chuckled a little awkwardly, ordering his drink. Vodka cranberry, something he hadn’t touched in almost five years. Now whenever Eddie indulged in any sort of drinking, it was a soft blush wine with his dinner. His mother had never approved of alcohol in the house growing up, and while Myra was a fan of wine herself, she was always quick to pass judgement on Eddie after more than glass.

_ Alcohol is bad for your health, Eddie bear! It will react poorly with your medication! You’re not supposed to drink when you’re taking medicine! _

But Eddie was always taking medicine, he was sure he had been his whole life. Alcohol had never bothered it before, he doubted it was going to start now. Turning away, sipping his drink through the little black straw, Eddie finally got a look at the place around him. He couldn’t help himself from rolling his eyes. Of _ course _this is where his feet would take him.

Girls up on one another, men kissing each other in corners. Eddie swallowed roughly, thinking on how his stomach _ should be _ turning but instead was it was flaring up with heat. He sipped a little more dedicatedly, thinking to himself about how he should be leaving. This isn’t where he was supposed to be because he wasn’t... he _ wasn’t... _

“I’m sorry, but do I know you?”

Eddie’s heart pretty much fell out of his ass at the voice in his ear. He let out a small squeak and nearly ended up falling out of his bar stool. The man... _ oh god, the man... _looked startled, reaching out quickly to help Eddie settle back in his seat.

“Oh, fuck, I’m sorry, dude.” He laughed, running his hands through his hair. It was slightly greasy looking, and there was some sort of dark stain on his yellow shirt. It was gross and Eddie’s entire body felt overly hot.

“You’re.... you’re Richie Tozier.” Eddie gasped.

Richie Tozier’s eyes widened and he broke into a huge smile. “So _ we did _know each other! I thought you looked fucking familiar-”

“No, no, we’ve never met.” Eddie quickly corrected him. “I just... I watch your show. That’s all. You don’t know me.”

Richie suddenly leaned away, eyes wide. “I’ve been coming to this bar once a month for nearly two years, and I’ve never been recognized before. Gay people.... don’t watch my shit, I don’t think. Or if they do, they don’t say anything because they don’t wanna talk to the not-funny guy.”

Eddie snorted.

Richie narrowed his eyes. “You know, if you watch my show that probably means you’ve got bad taste. I should probably leave right now.”

“You’re criticizing my taste for watching your shows, but they’re literally _ your shows.” _

“I don’t write my own jokes.” Richie snickered, signalling to the bartender for a refill of his drink.

“I knew it! I fucking knew it!” Eddie cheered, pushing the straw away from his cup and chugging the rest of the drink. The bartender placed a new drink in front of them both, Richie nodding at her with a smile.

Richie laughed, and it felt like it tickled something at the back of Eddie’s mind.

“It’s sort of like a game.” Eddie suddenly felt overwhelming bold. “When I... When I watch your show. I would try to figure out what was _ you, _and what was written for you. I think I did pretty well, especially now that I know you actually don’t write your own stuff.”

Richie chuckled, but he continued to give Eddie a slightly confused look. “I thought you said you didn’t know me? How could you tell I didn’t write my own stuff?”

Eddie felt himself blush and prayed it wasn’t noticeable under the darkness of the bar. “I don’t know, but I feel like I could just tell. When you were being yourself, and when you were being somebody you were pretending to be.”

Richie looked like he been clubbed over the back of the head, and Eddie frowned. Silence fell over them for a moment, conversation replaced with the mulling sounds from the bar behind them.

“Uhm,” Eddie cleared his throat awkwardly. He leaned in towards Richie, then quickly leaned away again. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, that's just...” Richie smiled with a look of disconnect. “Just reminded me of ... something.”

Eddie nodded as he picked up his drink and began to sip at it again. “So you said you come here once a month? I’ve never heard anything about you being gay.”

Richie scratched at his cheek as he chuckled. “Well, like I said... I don’t really get recognized here, because nobody here really knows anything about my show. So, this is a safe place for me. I can be whatever I want here.”

Eddie felt a weird mixture of discomfort and familiarity settle in his chest, and he nodded. “I guess you can’t really come out when all the jokes they make for you are about fucking women.”

Richie nodded, then shrugged a little bit. He tossed back his entire drink in one go. “That’s always been my thing. As a kid, before I told anybody, I made jokes about fucking women. I was balls deep in a chick from the age of eleven, if my stories are to be believed.”

Eddie laughed. “Yeah, I get that. It’s probably not easy to be out when you’re trying to be a big hot shot. Not that it’s working for you.”

“Hey.” Richie pointed at Eddie and waggled his eyebrows. “You can’t even talk, cutie. You knew who I was.”

Eddie groaned loudly as he twisted in his chair again. “Don’t call me cute.”

“I didn’t call you cute.” Richie said. “I called you _ cutie. _There’s a very distinct difference.”

The beat of the music suddenly changed from something borderline country and annoying to something with a slicker beat, something that pulsed right in Eddie’s stomach. He shifted closer to Richie, his hand touching Richie’s where it was wrapped around his glass. “What’s the difference then?”

Richie blinked at him, his mouth opened slightly before he smirked. He leaned into Eddie’s space, facing inches apart. “The difference is you aren’t just cute- you’re fucking hot.”

Eddie gasped, his hands shook as he pushed forward. He cupped the back of Richie’s hair, tugged his face forward and kissed him harshly. He felt Richie gasp against his mouth, his hands came down and gripped Eddie’s thighs.

“Shit.” Richie mumbled against Eddie’s mouth as he squeezed Eddie’s thighs. “Who _ are you?” _

“I’m the guy who’s about to make your night a fuck ton of a lot more interesting.” Eddie said as he yanked Richie back in for a rougher kiss. He pushed himself forward until he was out of his stool, standing above Richie and forcing his head back to kiss deeper.

Eddie had nearly climbed into Richie’s lap right there at the bar when Richie let out a rough laugh. “I’m as interested in exhibitionism as the next guy, but I think this might be a little much. I’m not looking to get arrested.”

Eddie let out a soft sigh and he dug his nails into Richie’s hair. He gave it a sharp, testing tug and Richie groaned. “Then take me somewhere else, Richie.”

Richie jumped to his feet, his chest collided with Eddie’s and nearly made him fall back into his seat. Richie’s hand gripped tight at Eddie’s and the next thing he knew, he was tugged through the crowds of drunk strangers and shoved into a bar bathroom stall.

“Fuck.” Eddie whimpered when Richie’s lips immediately connected to Eddie’s neck, hands pressed against the stall on either side of Eddie’s head. Eddie melted into him, hands curled tight in Richie’s hair_ , _pushing his knees up to cage Richie in as much as he could without being wrapped around him completely.

Eddie felt Richie’s hard cock pressed against him through both their jeans and Eddie couldn’t hold back the moan that tumbled out from his lips. Richie grunted against him, his hips rolled forward and Eddie’s head smacked against the wall.

“Jesus fucking Christ.... Richie...” Eddie whimpered as he pulled on the curls. There was something inside of him that told him what he needed to do, it was such a natural process. His body knew Richie, what Richie wanted. He was too caught up in his own feelings to give it a second thought as he rubbed himself down against Richie’s leg. 

“I don’t normally do this,” Eddie babbled. Richie let out a soft moan against Eddie’s neck, then tug his teeth into the skin. Eddie cried out, eyes closed tight. He shook his head against and moaned. “I… I don’t do this.. I don’t… You… I….”

“It’s okay,” Richie said. A hand made its way up Eddie’s shirt, blunt nails ran down his sides. Eddie gave a full body shudder.

“Shit, I-” Eddie was already further gone than he had ever been on the rare occasions that he and Myra had had sex. This was leagues different, something Eddie hadn’t felt in so long he couldn’t remember the last time it had happened for him. Sure as hell not like this.

“This is so good, you’re so good, why is this so good…” Eddie openly whimpered against Richie’s ear, prompting Richie’s nails to dig into his skin deeper. Eddie let out a small, almost pitiful whine at the bite of pain.

Richie’s hand pressed against Eddie’s cheek, pressing his finger tips into the skin. “Shhh…” Richie whispered before sucking a small mark against Eddie’s collar bone. “You’re being too loud. Do you want somebody to hear you?”

Eddie moaned.

He felt Richie’s teeth graze against his skin before a huff of breath that could only be a laugh ghosted over him. “You _ do, _ don’t you? Got a _ kink _there? Wanna get caught? Want people to see you like this?”

Eddie bucked against Richie, back arched and eyes squeezed shut. “You’re not fucking me in a bathroom stall. There’s too many fucking germs. I’m not getting some nasty diseases for a little dick.”

“Trust me, baby. It’s not little.” Richie whispered.

Eddie groaned, very much _ not _out of pleasure and Richie pulled back. His brow was furrowed and a ghost of a smile sat on his face. He ran his tongue along his bottom lip, and Eddie’s breath caught.

“So, what do you want to do?” Richie asked, hips pulsing up against Eddie’s.

Eddie choked out a moan. “You got an apartment?”

“I got a hotel room.” Richie said with a twinkle in his eyes.

“That fucking works.”

The cab ride back to Richie’s hotel room was oddly PG. Eddie could feel the nerves coming off of him, the risk of being seen, the risk of somebody knowing. Eddie supposed that he should have felt the same- the amount of people in this city that knew him, that had no idea about who he was, what he wanted- the risk was huge. But something about this- something about _ Richie fucking Tozier- _took away any of the nerves he knew he should have been been feeling.

Eddie reached out and squeezed at Richie’s hand. Richie turned him and smiled. He gave him a short nod as they exited the cab, immediately dropping hands. They moved quickly through the hotel lobby and kept their distance from one another until Richie unlocked his room and they slipped inside.

Eddie was on him in a second. He backed Richie up against the door and yanked his shirt from his body. Eddie dropped forward, fingers pushed under Richie’s waist band, while he dropped open mouthed kisses all over his chest. 

Richie moaned and pushed his hand into Eddie’s hair. Not pulling like Eddie had done earlier, but softly pushing the flop of hair out of Eddie’s face.

“_ God,” _Richie sighed, the veins in his neck tensing out as Eddie sucked at the skin of his chest. “I fucking love those curls, god damn.”

Eddie’s heart stuttered, and his hips followed the motion. His hands rushed out and he yanked Richie’s jeans open and shoved them down his legs. Eddie’s breath hitched at the sight of Richie’s cock through some questionably patterned underwear, and he ducked forward to mouth at it through the fabric.

Richie tossed his head backwards, the smacking noise it made against the door ringing through the empty hotel room. Eddie chuckled against Richie’s cock then pressed his tongue against covered head. 

“Can you…” Richie moaned as he stuffed his hand against his mouth. He dropped his hand and rested both in Eddie’s hair. “_ Please.” _

Eddie froze, hands half-way pulling Richie free. He looked up at him through his lashes, and grinned. “It’s Eddie. By the way.”

Richie laughed and rubbed his fingers against Eddie’s scalp. Eddie hummed, eyes closed lightly. “_ Fuck. _ Thank you, I really didn’t wanna fucking ask you that _ now.” _

Eddie reached into Richie’s underwear, and pulled his cock free. He couldn’t help the small moan that escaped him at the sight, and he refused to glance up and look at the smirk that he knew was on Richie’s face, 

Richie made his amusement clear either way, of course. “See something you like?”

“Shut the fuck up,” Eddie said seriously. “Or you can take care of this yourself.”

One of Richie’s hands dropped from Eddie’s hair to wrap around his own cock. He slowly stroked himself, stopping as he reached where Eddie’s hand was still wrapped around him. Eddie felt a weak noise get punched out of him as he watched Richie tease himself in his face.

“Is that what you want me to do?” Richie asked him in a low voice. 

Eddie exhaled heavily before batting Richie’s hand away. He rested Richie’s cock in his open mouth and rubbed his tongue against the sensitive head. Richie’s exhale was long and shaky as his hands came down and rested on Eddie’s shoulders. 

“Fuck, Eddie. Please.” Richie said, hands tensed into Eddie’s shoulders. 

Eddie took as much of Richie’s length into his mouth as he could manage in one go, almost impressed by how much he was able to fit. He’d known going into this that, of course, it wasn’t his first time with a dick in his mouth but he’d assumed that it would be slow moving for him. And yet… he rocked back into it like he was born to be doing it. 

“_ Holy shit… Eds….” _

Something about that unexpected nickname spilling from Richie’s mouth broke some sort of dam inside Eddie that he hadn’t noticed was holding him back. Eddie took a deep breath and swallowed Richie down, feeling his cock pressed against the back of his throat for a moment. He brought his hand up and cupped Richie’s balls, not quite a massage but a tease at the potential.

Richie whimpered- actually _ whimpered- _as he gave shallow thrusts into Eddie’s mouth. He began to let out a steady stream of whispered curses, hands gripped tight on Eddie’s shoulders.

“Oh, fuck, Eddie…” Richie groaned. “If you don’t stop this is going to be over way too fucking quick, Eddie… Eds, fuck…..” 

Eddie sighed happily and he leaned backward, stripping Richie’s cock in front of his face. Richie stared down at Eddie, mouth hung open and pupils so dilated Eddie couldn’t tell where the brown began anymore. 

“I’m gonna cum….” Richie almost coughed out as he took his cock from Eddie’s grip. He rested against the door as he caught his breath. Eddie felt like his body was on fire as he ripped his own jeans open and shoved his hand inside. As he palmed at his aching cock, he dropped forward and rested his head against Richie’s shin. He mouthed at Richie’s clothed leg as he rocked into his own hand. 

He was suddenly on his back as Richie dropped to his knees above him. He pulled Eddie’s hands out of his pants before he crawled forward and straddled Eddie’s hips. Eddie stared up at him, more than a little dazed. He couldn’t imagine how wrecked he must have looked in that moment, laid out on Richie’s hotel room floor, clothed hard on pushed through the opening of his jeans and shirt riding up to expose his stomach. 

Richie’s eyes raked over Eddie, mouth open and eyes blown wide. He rubbed his hands up Eddie’s chest, caught the hem of his shirt and pulled it over Eddie’s head. He let out a small moan as he looked over Eddie’s bare torso, hands rested on the heated skin. 

“You’re so fucking beautiful, Eds.” 

Eddie’s eyes rolled back in his head as Richie began to map out Eddie’s chest with his lips. He lapped against Eddie’s nipple. He sucked it into his mouth as he began to rut his hips upwards against Eddie’s. 

Eddie moaned and grabbed at Richie’s back. “Holy shit, fucking hell… Why are we on the floor? Is your act so bad you can’t afford a hotel room with a fucking bed?”

Richie pulled back, sat perfectly on top of Eddie’s throbbing cock. “Do you always complain this much?”

Eddie shrugged one shoulder. “Yeah. Pretty much.” 

Richie laughed as he leaned down to kiss him. He cupped Eddie’s cheeks with both hands while he kissed him almost too slowly and sweetly for what Eddie felt like this was. Eddie shoved at Richie’s chest, kissed his neck once gently then smiled up at him. “Bed, please.”

“You say please… yet it still sounds like a demand.” Richie said with a smirk while he grabbed Eddie underneath his thighs and scooped him up. Eddie’s arm wrapped around Richie’s neck, face pressed against Richie’s neck to hide his smile. 

Richie tossed Eddie onto the bed and he pushed himself backwards against the pillows as he watched Richie rip his jeans and underwear off. His cock slapped up against his stomach but Eddie barely had a moment to be shook before Richie dropped down onto the bed and crawled over him. 

Richie shoved at Eddie’s underwear, breathing heavily in Eddie’s ears as he freed him. They pressed together, bare skin everywhere and for a moment Eddie thought…. _ Have we done this before? _

Richie pulled back with a long blink, mouth open as though he were going to speak. Going to mention the feeling that had rocked through them both. The recognition. 

Eddie didn’t want to talk about it. He grabbed Richie by the neck and yanked him back down, kissing him hard and fast. It took Richie less than a second to get back into it, kissing Eddie in an almost frantic fashion. Eddie tugged at Richie’s curls as Richie rocked their bare cocks together.

“Fuck, please….” Eddie moaned and wrapped his legs around Richie’s waist. He held him close, arms tight around Richie’s shoulders. Eddie shook around him while Richie pressed feather light kisses to his neck, where Eddie already knew there were bruises. 

“Hey, listen…” Richie whispered in his ear. “We don’t have to do anything. I’m not one of those gross celebrity assholes… you can leave right now if that’s what you want.” 

Eddie rubbed his thumb along Richie’s jaw. “I don’t want to be anywhere else.” 

Richie rocked softly against Eddie, their dicks sliding together, smooth with precum. Eddie whimpered, practically clawing at Richie’s back. He wondered for a fleeting moment if he was leaving scratches but pushed the thought away when Richie’s cock pressed against his just perfectly. 

“Richie… Richie, I want you to fuck me.” Eddie cried out. “Do you have lube? A condom?”

“No, Eddie.” Richie deadpanned. “I went to a gay bar with absolutely no lube or condoms in my posession. I like living on the edge.” 

Eddie chuckled and he dropped his head forward to rest on Richie’s chest. “Alright, alright, asshole. Just wanted to be sure. I haven’t… I haven’t done anything like this in a really long time.”

“What, are you like a virgin?” Richie chuckled, then immediately sobered. “Uh, that’s cool if you are. We can go slow…. Or we can just not, I mean, we don’t have to.”

“I’m not a fucking virgin!” Eddie snapped. “I lost my virginity when I was…” Eddie trailed off, frowning, unable to remember his first time. He’d been young, high school, he knew that but everything else, everything about it was blank. Just… gone. “I’m not a virgin.”

Richie leaned in, kissing him softly. Eddie ignored the butterflies he felt as Richie pulled away. “I’m going to get everything we need... If you’re sure.”

Eddie grabbed Richie face and pulled him down, nose touching but lips not. “Stop fucking asking me if I’m sure.”

“Consent is key, Eds.”

_ Why does he keep calling me that? _ Eddie thought as he watched Richie jump from the end of the bed and ruffle through his suitcase on the floor. _ And why do I feel like it’s important? _

Richie launched himself back onto the bed, on his knees, his cock bobbing up and slapping him the stomach as he bounced. Eddie pressed his lips together to keep from laughing but Richie was already giggling as he crawled back over Eddie’s body.

“I’m sorry,” he laughed. “That was probably so not sexy at all.”

Eddie looped his arms around Richie’s shoulders. “It wasn’t.” Eddie pulled Richie down on top of him, kissing him slowly once. “But that’s okay. I’ll let you fuck me anyway.” 

“Somebody must be gagging for it…” Richie sighed and squeezed the weight on Eddie’s hips. “How long has it been since you got a good dickin’?”

“I don’t know…” Eddie said honestly, head tilted back as Richie started stroking his cock slowly. “I… I fooled around in college, and there was.. _ Fuck… _I think there was somebody important in high school but… I.. I had a girlfriend…”

Richie slowed his hand and looked slightly at Eddie. “Are you bi?”

Eddie closed his eyes, licked his lips. “No.” He said firmly. “I’m not. I never have been.” 

Richie gave Eddie a sad smile before he slid down Eddie’s body, occasionally pressing a kiss to the skin as he moved down. He pushed Eddie’s thighs apart, and leaned in to suck a mark where Eddie’s thighs met his ass. Eddie shook, let out a whimper. “Please…” 

Richie popped the bottle of lube opened and looked up at Eddie through his lashes. “Are you sure about this? Because it could be uncomfy… especially if you haven’t done this in a while and-”

“_ Richie.” _Eddie sighed in frustration. “Just stick your fingers in me! This isn’t my first rodeo!” 

Richie looked up at him for a moment before he raised his brow and chuckled. “Well, yeehaw.”

“Oh my God, never fucking mind. Do not fucking touch me.” Eddie cried as he kicked Richie lightly in the side of the head with his socked foot. Richie laughed, biting at Eddie’s calf. Eddie let out a loud shriek of a giggle, feet kicking at Richie’s face. “Go away you dirty kinky cowboy!!”

Richie flopped down on top of Eddie, chest to chest, and Eddie sighed. His arms wrapped around Richie’s back as he held Richie to him despite his own protests. 

Richie kissed Eddie’s cheek. “We’re backtracking. I’m officially further away from having my fingers in your ass.” 

Eddie grabbed Richie’s face and yanked him down, pressing his fingers against Richie’s jaw and forced his mouth open. He kissed him, hard and messy. It was all teeth and tongue and fucking spit… it should have been disgusting, but Eddie’s heart was almost yearning for something. For more. For exactly this always. 

Their hips were rocking together again, and Eddie felt his orgasm building way too quick. Eddie dug his nails into the back of Richie’s neck and pulled away, panting. “Okay, you need to fuck me because I’m literally going to cum and you haven’t done shit to earn it.”

He expected Richie to laugh, but Richie just cocked a brow. He dove down Eddie’s body, and licked slowly up the length of Eddie’s cock. It twitched for attention as Richie pulled back, but Eddie only barely had the chance to slap a hand over his mouth to smother his whining as Richie began to mouth at his balls. 

“Fuck……” Eddie moaned loudly and deeply as Richie began to rub his fingers over Eddie’s hole. Eddie’s thighs shook on either side of Richie’s head, and his stomach half-caved in with the weight of his breathing. “It’s like you… it’s like you _ know…” _

Richie chuckled against Eddie’s skin before he pressed soft kisses to Eddie’s leaking cock, slowly working Eddie open with one finger. Eddie let out small, broken moans that grew louder and higher as Richie added a second finger and scissored them apart. 

Richie sucked kisses to Eddie’s stomach, around his cock but he never put his mouth where Eddie longed for it. Eddie rolled his hips down onto Richie’s hand, letting out a deep groan from the back of his throat when Richie finally jabbed three fingers into him. 

“Rich, come on, fuck me.” Eddie grabbed at Richie’s hair, tugged upwards. Richie hissed and bit down on Eddie’s hip. “_ Fuck me.” _

“I’ll fuck you when you’re ready.” Richie growled. He grabbed the bottle of lube from beside him and squeezed out what seemed like entirely too much lube into his free hand. Eddie cringed as Richie brought the hand closer to him, but he moaned as Richie rubbed it around his still pulsing fingers.

“Richie, I’m fucking serious…” Eddie whimpered as rode Richie’s fingers for all they were worth. The heat in his stomach was almost unbearable, threatened to swallow him up and cause him to burst into flames. “If you don’t fuck me right now, I could realistically die.”

Richie looked up, one brow raised. “What a way to go though….”

“Get your _ dick in me.” _Eddie cried as he rolled his hips down frantically. Richie let out a soft little chuckle as he pulled his fingers free too quickly. Eddie choked out a moan at the sudden loss. He slapped his hands over his face, palms dug into his eyes until he saw stars. He felt Richie’s hands wrap around his wrists and pull them away. He frowned at down at Eddie, eyes soft. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

Eddie nodded. He gave Richie a weak smile, and wrapped his legs around Richie’s waist. Pulled him in close, right on top of him. He bit at Richie’s bottom lip, gave it a tug. “I’ll be great if you fuck me good.”

“Oh, trust me, Eds.” Richie chuckled. He grabbed the condom he’d rested beside them, ripped it open with his teeth, and slid it on slowly. Eddie felt his mouth water at the sight of him. He didn’t know he was making small whining noises, but Richie grinned at the sound. 

He leaned back over Eddie’s body and rubbed the head of his cock against Eddie’s hole. When they both moaned, Eddie reached up and cupped the back of Richie’s head. He pressed their foreheads together. A broken, choked moan was pulled from Eddie’s throat as Richie finally bottomed out. Eddie clutched at the back of Richie’s neck. “Fuck….”

“Fuck is right.” Richie said, voice hoarse and half-broken. He rubbed his thumb under Eddie’s eye and watched them flutter shut. “You’re so beautiful, Eds.”

Eddie rocked down on Richie’s cock to draw out a rough moan. He gasped, and pushed down again. Richie whimpered against Eddie, then caught his lips in a rough kiss. Eddie panted against him as Richie began to rock his hips into him. He went slow, dragging himself out of Eddie to push back in slowly. 

Eddie moaned and whined, kissing Richie back whenever he had a mind to do so. Eddie didn’t have much of a mind to do anything, anymore. His moved frantically, grabbed at Richie wherever he could. Tugged his hair, ran his nails down his back. Richie’s hips thrusted just that little bit rougher as Eddie’s nails broke through his skin.

“Please…. Please, faster.” Eddie curled his body up in the sort of over exposed position that he hated the idea of. He held Richie tightly against his body, his arms around Richie’s neck, legs tight around his waist. He could feel Richie mouthing anywhere he could reach on Eddie’s shoulders and neck. Not even kissing, just a frantic wet mouth meeting his skin over and over. “_ Please.” _

Richie pulled out slowly and snapped his hips back in hard. The walls broke down then as Richie fucked into Eddie hard and fast. Eddie threw his head back, Richie immediately latching onto his neck with lips and teeth. Eddie squeezed his eyes shut, letting the feeling of Richie become his everything. 

“Yes…” Eddie moaned out as Richie’s cock jabbed against his spot. Eddie rolled his hips up, letting his cock rub against Richie’s stomach. “Yes… yess… _ yes.” _

Richie spewed words into his ears but Eddie couldn’t make sense of them, completely overwhelmed by the feeling of Richie fucking against his prostate. “Oh, _ shit!” _Eddie cried as his whole body tensed then relief waved over him. He shook as he came between them, all over his and Richie’s chests. 

“Oh my _ God, _Eddie.” Richie moaned, completely lost in the feeling of how Eddie clenched around him and shook underneath him. In only took a few more quick thrusts before Richie was tossed over the edge and collapsing against Eddie’s sticky chest. 

Richie pushed Eddie’s sweaty bangs from his face as they lay together on the bed to catch their breath. Eddie blinked up at Richie and gave him a slow smile. 

“Thanks. That was decent.” 

Richie coughed, then burst out into laughter. “You’re a little fucking spit fire, aren’t you, Eds?”

Eddie leaned forward and nipped at Richie’s bottom lip. He tugged on it until it ripped from his teeth and slapped back against Richie’s mouth. Richie laughed and gave Eddie’s thigh as squeeze.

Eddie hummed happily. “I should probably get going.” He said. He sat up and winced at the sticky, disgusting feeling of his own body. 

Richie pouted as he wrapped his arms around Eddie’s waist and pulled him back to the bed, on top of him this time. “Don’t go. Stay. We can order room service… watch bad hotel television…” Richie pressed his lips against Eddie’s ear to send a shiver down his spine. “Take a shower.”

“Do you normally keep your one night stands in your room overnight?” Eddie challenged with a raise of his brow. 

Richie’s face dropped slightly. “No but I…” He cleared his throat, and loosened his grip on Eddie’s hips. “Sorry. Forget it. You can go, I’ll call you a cab if you..”

Eddie’s heart clenched and hugged Richie to him. “Shut up, of course I’ll stay. But I’m showering _ alone. _I want to actually get clean.”

Richie beamed at him. “That’s fine. We’ll just shower together in the morning then.”

“In your fucking dreams, Tozier.”


	2. september 21 1990 | april 15 2007

_ Eddie had to duck at the last moment to avoid hitting his head on the roof. (The ground? The roof? Whatever.) It seemed that Eddie had grown a lot more than he’d given himself credit for since the last time he’d been in here. It gave him a little thrill of pride- so much so that he almost forgot what he was doing down here after all these years. _

_ Richie Tozier was laying in the hammock, a comic book held close to his face, though Eddie doubted he could read it in the near darkness underground. If Eddie had trouble not hitting his head as he’d come into the clubhouse, he supposed Richie must have had to fold himself in half to get down here. Being fifteen hadn’t been the best year for Richie; he’d shot up nearly a foot all in limbs, filling out absolutely nowhere else. Braces on his teeth, giant glasses taking up most of his face that clung stubbornly to his baby fat. _

_ Eddie still thought he was pretty fucking cute, and he hated that fact about himself. _

_ “What are you doing down here?” Eddie asked as he stepped further into their old hang out. “We haven’t been here since-” _

_-Ben Hanscom had moved away. Eddie knew he didn’t need to say it because Richie understood as well as he did. The last day they’d all come down here had been the day Ben moved away from Derry._ _After the summer of 1989, they’d come down here less and less but after Ben left it simply hadn’t felt right to be down here hanging out._

_ “I thought it would be the last place anyone would look for me,” Richie replied as he lowered the comic book and glared at Eddie. “I come here sometimes to be alone.” _

_ Eddie cleared his throat awkwardly. He took a step closer, hands clenched at his side. “It was the last place I looked for you,” he admitted. “I checked the Quarry, the arcade...” _

_ “Why were you looking?” _

_ Eddie frowned. “I... We heard about what happened. With Jennifer and those stupid jocks.” Eddie stood at the end of the hammock and took in a deep breath before climbing in. He felt Richie stiffen beside him. “I’m so sorry, Rich. That was a terrible trick.” _

_ Richie shrugged one shoulder, Eddie able to feel both their bodies move as the hammock swung. They had never really fit in this stupid thing and Eddie wasn’t sure why they’d ever started doing this. Though, deep down, he supposed he knew well enough. _

_ “It’s alright, Eds,” Richie said quietly, “I don’t know what I expected. Nobody wants to go out with the local queer boy.” _

_ Eddie sighed, letting his head drop against Richie’s shoulder and he seemed to sag under Eddie’s soft touch. Eddie—much like everybody else in Derry—had heard about the events at the arcade back in 1989. Just another thing that made life difficult for Richie—something Eddie had always kept himself away from. He never brought anything up or spoke about it. Best friend or not, Eddie just wasn’t comfortable talking about it. _

_ “Oh, don’t worry, Eds,” Richie laughed and caused the hammock to give a soft swing, “I know you don’t want to talk about that kind of stuff. Nobody ever does. That’s why I come down here.” _

_ Eddie scooted closer to Richie and wrapped his arms around Richie’s middle, head rested on Richie’s shoulder. He was able to feel Richie breathing quicken which made his own spike. “I’m sorry, Richie. I know you need somebody, I just-” _

_ “It’s okay,” Richie broke out a deep, terrible British accent, “Don’t worry about it, mate. Everything is just fancy.” _

_ “I don’t think you’re using those words right.” Eddie pressed his palm against Richie’s cheek and pulled Richie down to look at him, able to see Richie surprisingly well in the dark underground. It was like the world didn’t exist outside of them.  _

_ “I don’t ever use words right.” _

_Eddie choked out a laugh and gave Richie’s cheek a pat. He swallowed roughly, thinking of Richie surrounded by those bullies, running for his life_ _from them with their terrible words in his head. Eddie’s heart clenched. He leaned in, he—_

He woke up.

Eddie stirred in a big, spacious bed. He stretched his arm out, feeling the cold touch of the soft sheets as the lights were hitting his eyes all wrong.

“I know I promised.” He could hear a low, thick voice whisper from across the room. “I’m sorry, I really meant to... not. But you should see this guy, Auds, okay? He’s like every single one of my fantasies come true in one tiny, feisty little twink.”

Last night rushed back to Eddie suddenly and pushed all lingering memories of his weird dream from his mind. He smiled into the pillow and clenched his fist into the sheets. He was going to face a lot of consequences for his actions last night, but he somehow couldn’t stop the feeling of butterflies in his stomach.

“I know I’m putting my career in danger, but I don’t think he’s going to tell anybody.” Richie continued to whisper into his cell phone. Eddie raised his head slightly to peak at him and his breath caught in his throat at the sight of the larger man standing in only his underwear**_._**

Even with his eyes half opened, Eddie could make out the scratches down Richie’s back. It made something hot and passionate bubble up in his stomach, until he realized that if Richie bore marks then Eddie would most likely be covered in them as well. Absolutely covered in a way that he would never have allowed another person do to him before. There was no hiding this, no going back now.

Eddie was gay. Very, very gay and Richie Tozier’s wide shoulders and scratched up back was a deep, arousing reminder of that fact. Eddie rolled over and flopped onto his face, prickles of arousal at the base of his spine which caused him to roll his hips against the mattress.

“I know you won’t believe me.” Richie’s voice lowered even more and now Eddie had to strain to hear him. “I think this is different. Really different. I’ve never... I don’t know, something just feels different. It’s like I  _ know  _ him, Audra.”

Eddie rolled back over onto his side and ran a hand across his stomach. Goosebumps rose up all over his skin, and Eddie bit his bottom lip. It was like something  _ inside of him  _ was reacting to this stupid, not funny comedian being in the same room.

Sure, he was a little sore but his heart raced and his palms were sticky, and his stomach was done up in knots at the sound of Richie’s scratchy voice.

“Yes, I know.” Richie continued to whisper. “I promise I’ll be careful. Yes, I know I’m an idiot. I love you too, call you later.”

Richie turned around, and scratched at his hair. He paused and grinned at the sight of Eddie laid out across his bed. Richie let out a low whistle and bit down on his bottom lip. “Well, well...” He clucked his tongue. “I must have died and gone to heaven to have such a hot piece of ass in my bed.”

Eddie rolled his hips and made sure the blankets dipped down to reveal his cock and hips. He grinned at how Richie’s face seemed to darken. “You are a lucky bastard. But I should probably get going now.”

Richie dropped onto the bed and tackled Eddie into the mattress, arms around his waist and face pressed into Eddie’s chest. “You’re not going anywhere. I could just eat you up. Swallow you whole.”

Eddie sighed shakily and rutted his hips upwards against Richie’s body. He felt himself begin to harden almost embarrassingly quickly. “You promise?” He whispered into Richie’s ear.

Richie groaned and trailed his hand down Eddie’s chest and stomach. The muscles twitched under Richie’s touch. “Twice in twelve hours? You sure about that, Eds...” Richie nipped little bites into Eddie’s pecks. “It’s a little ambitious.”

Eddie ran his fingers through Richie’s messy hair. It seemed almost curlier than it had the night before, and Eddie could only imagine what his was like now. Richie’s sharp bites began to turn into light kisses and Eddie grinned. He tugged on Richie’s curls and laughed at the rough groan he gave.

“What?” Eddie asked. “Aren’t you up for a challenge, Tozier?”

Richie’s gaze jerked up to look at Eddie and his eyes flashed. Before Eddie could so much as blink in reaction, Richie had dragged his teeth down his torso and taken Eddie’s cock into his mouth.

Eddie let out what was almost a squeak as his cock twitched and hardened completely as Richie’s mouth moved around him. 

Eddie Kaspbrak had gotten blow jobs before. It was Myra’s go-to foreplay to get Eddie going, but nothing had ever compared to this.

Eddie bent his knees up, felt Richie’s hands slide along the back of Eddie’s thighs. He hitched Eddie’s legs over his shoulders, and worked at Eddie with his mouth until his body was trembling around Richie.

“Fuck, fuck, holy shit, fuck...” Eddie moaned. “You should change your act. Just get rid of all that shitty comedy and just -  _ fuck  _ \- do this instead.”

Richie pulled off Eddie’s cock with a wet pop, a trail of spit connecting his mouth to Eddie. “Are you saying I should be a prostitute?”

Eddie leaned back and frowned up at the ceiling. “I guess so... Is that something you would be interested in?”

Richie cocked his brow and licked up the length of Eddie’s cock. “Is it something you think I’d be good at?” He asked as he stroked Eddie slowly and held his cock inches from his mouth.

Eddie whined and squeezed his eyes shut. “I just fucking  _ said that  _ didn’t I? Now I’m not so sure. Maybe if you shut the fuck up and make me come, we’d see how good you are.”

Richie laughed—fucking  _ laughed— _ and sped up his hand to an almost painful pace. “Oh, I’m sorry? Have I not treated you well? Left you feeling a little unsatisfied baby?”

Eddie whined, thoughts stuck on how Richie had pressed him into the mattress last night and fucked him until he’d melted into nothing. He bucked up into Richie’s fist. “I’m going to come. I’m going to  _ come.” _

“Already?” Richie teased. He slowed his hand and loosened his grip. He dropped Eddie’s cock and let it slam wetly against Eddie’s stomach. “Why I’ve barely done anything. Are you that sensitive?”

Richie ran his fingers over Eddie’s thighs to tease the skin andEddie withered on the bed. Was he that sensitive? No, normally not. Normally Eddie would argue that he was very much not sensitive, usually struggling to give into any sort of pleasure. He was certain he could get Myra to finish two or three times before he’d get anywhere close, but Richie had him so close to coming with only a couple minutes of a blowjob.

“Please...” He cried as he tossed his arm over his eyes. “Don’t stop you stupid, fucking bad comedian fuck.”

Richie snorted with laughter as he leaned back on his knees. Eddie lowered his arm to get a look at Richie’s cock where it strained in his underwear. He knew it wouldn’t be smart to try to take it again just now, but he couldn’t help how his mouth watered.

“What do you want for breakfast?” Richie asked him as he pushed his hair away from his face and gave Eddie a huge grin.

Eddie blinked up at him. “Is this like.. an innuendo? You don’t need to hit on me, I’m already in your bed.” 

Richie choked out a small laugh. “You know not everything I say is sexual. I’m just hungry, man.”

“Oh... oh.” Eddie flushed right up to the roots of his hair. “Pancakes sound good. With... with little breakfast sausages?”

“Those are the best kind of sausages.” Richie said enthusiastically. He bounced forward, pressed a soft kiss to Eddie’s cheek and tumbled off the bed. As he rushed over to the phone and Eddie flopped back onto the bed, smiling.

His cock was still hard, but he didn’t find himself too concerned with it. He was, however, suddenly stricken with a weird sense of panic. Eddie searched frantically with his eyes until he managed to locate sight of his pants. He scrambled over to them and yanked his cell phone out of his back pocket.

**37 missed calls from Myra.**

Eddie felt sick as he looked down at his chest and stomach, red and purple bruises covering his skin. He knew his neck and shoulders would only be worse. His chest felt tight and uncomfortable, and his stomach churned in the most terrible of ways.

Richie came back over, a big smile on his face. “I order extra sausages, just in case-”

“I have to go.” Eddie said quickly as he jumped into his pants. He grabbed a shirt off the floor and threw it on over his hickey covered body. 

“But I-” Richie’s shoulder dropped. His face seemed to crumble, and Eddie’s heart fell into his stomach.

Eddie wheezed and clutched the collar of his shirt. “I’m sorry, I have to go, I have to talk to my girlfriend.”

“Your what?”

Eddie froze up like a deer in headlights. His hands shook at his sides and he was pretty sure his breathing was dangerously fast now. “I’m breaking up with her, I’m breaking up with her, I’m-”

Richie pressed his lips together and turned away. “You were right. You  _ should  _ go.”

Eddie let out a broken whimper, grabbed his jacket from the floor and booked it from the hotel room without giving Richie a second glance.

Eddie was beyond sore by the time he got back to his apartment that he practically limped up the stairs. He was hopelessly praying that after almost forty missed calls to Eddie, she would have gotten some sort of hint to leave. That this joke of a relationship was over, if it had ever truly begun. He prayed that she accepted that on her own, without Eddie having to say a word to her.

Eddie knew better than that, of course. He knew without a single doubt that when he opened his front door, Myra would still be sitting on that couch as though she hadn’t moved a muscle since he’d walked out the afternoon before. 

“EDDIE! EDDIE BEAR!” Myra scrambled to her feet and rushed over to him. She grabbed his arms and yanked him down to the couch. “Look at you! You’re so pale and sickly, Eddie! You should know better. Where did you get that horrific shirt, it’s hideous! And look at this-” Myra touched the marks on Eddie’s necks softly. “You’ve broken out in a  _ rash,  _ Eddie Bear. We need to see a doctor about this!!”

Eddie closed his eyes and shook his head. “Myra, it’s not a rash. You know what they are.”

Myra leaned back away from him, her eyes wide and rapidly filling up with tears. “Oh, Eddie... why are you trying to hurt me? You’re hurting me so bad, stop hurting me!”

“I’m not trying to hurt you, Myra.” Eddie said as he took hold of her hands. “I’m done trying to do things. Trying to be happy... trying to be straight.”

Myra jerked her hands back, eyes now tearless and almost wild. “What are you saying, Eddie? Don’t say things like that. Awful things.”

Eddie sighed. “I’m not just saying things, alright? Last night, after we fought, I went to the bar and I went back to a mans house and we had sex. This- us- is over. I’m gay.”

Myra stood up while shaking her head. “No.  _ No,  _ Eddie. You can’t do this to me. You’ve done this before, this...experimenting. We all know the stories about you in college and this will pass just like that did. And then you’ll need me, Eddie. You need somebody to take care of you.”

Eddie shook his head and stood to attempt to calm her. “Myra this is over. I don’t need you. I don’t want to be with you. I’m gay. I’m  _ gay. _ You’ll find somebody someday who will want to be with you. That person isn’t me.”

Myra turned around and smacked Eddie on the cheek. It wasn’t a hard hit by any means, but it was jarring and forced Eddie to take several steps back. Eddie gaped at her, eyes wide as he pressed his hand to his tingling cheek. 

“Oh my God, Eddie, baby, I am so sor-”

“Get  _ out.” _

Myra burst into loud, messy tears but Eddie kept his composure. Grim-faced and silent, he watched Myra pick up her purse and coat from the living room and rush towards the front door. She sobbed the whole way out and Eddie felt almost scared of himself at how little he cared about her tears.

As soon as the door slammed shut behind her, Eddie turned and moved through his apartment. He grabbed every single thing he could find that he believed belonged to his now ex-girlfriend and tossed them into a black garbage bag. He put the garbage bag by the front door and flopped himself onto the couch angrily.

He fished his phone out of his pocket, and stared in surprise at the notification in the middle of his lock screen.

_ Trashmouth Tozier started following you! _

Eddie’s hands shook as he went to click on the profile but, before he got the chance, a work alert triggered on his phone. Eddie’s head throbbed at the thought of having to drive anywhere today, after everything that had happened. But he supposed he would be better off working than sitting at home dwelling on everything.

It was a simple job. Pick somebody up and take them to the airport. Hopefully the person wouldn’t even try to converse with him. He parked his car in front of the stupid hotel he’d just stumbled his ass out of—because the universe wouldn’t give him a break today—and tapped his fingers against the steering wheel as he waited.

The back seat of the car opened andEddie’s stomach broke into somersaults as he caught sight of the passenger as they slipped in.

Richie looked up from his phone and made eye contact with Eddie in the rear view mirror. “Oh.” Richie said, voice cold and broken. Eddie bit his lip. “Your girlfriend lets you drive men who fucked you senseless to the airport the next day?”

Eddie cleared his throat. “Not my girlfriend anymore.“

“Oh,” Richie chuckled. “She didn’t like being cheated on?”

“No.” Eddie replied. “I realized I don’t like women and I’m actually gay as fuck.”

Richie let out a laugh that sounded almost genuine. “Well, good for you, man.”

Eddie pulled out of the parking lot and wondered if he should turn on the radio. He did with every other passenger he had, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Eddie cleared his throat, still awkwardly tapping his fingers against the steering wheel. “How did you find me on Twitter?”

Richie coughed loudly, and Eddie could see the slight flush in his cheeks. “I just... searched you.”

“But I never told you my last name.”

Richie frowned, his hands went still on his phone. He looked up slowly at Eddie, brow furrowed. Eddie’s heart beat loudly in his ears. “I...” Richie cleared his throat. “I guessed.”

“You guessed?” Eddie challenged. “You guessed that my last name was Kaspbrak?”

“Well maybe you told me.” Richie shrugged. He turned back to his phone.

“I definitely didn’t.” Eddie grumbled. “Are you some sort of freaky stalker? Should I be scared?”

“Yes, Eddie.” Richie said coldly. “This has actually been a big plan to murder you. I’m about to pull over and murder you- oh wait, you’re the one driving!”

“Uh, excuse me!” Eddie cried. “Crimes against drivers like cab drivers and limo drivers are not to be joked about, asshole! Did you know that being a cab driver is one of the most dangerous jobs in New York City? Three to five cab drivers are killed per year, and thats not even counting how many commit suicide and-”

“Okay, calm down, bucko!” Richie said from the back seat. “Relax. You’re a little neurotic, aren’t you?”

“Don’t fucking call me neurotic, dickwad!“ Eddie snapped and nearly missed his turn off for the airport. “I’ve had a long fucking day, okay? I don’t need your small dick attitude and your dead cab driver jokes!”

“ _ Small dick attitude?”  _ Richie gasped as Eddie pulled their car to a stop at the drop off. “I’m hurt, Eds. You know perfectly well that it isn’t small, you were pretty enthusiastic last-”

“Shut up!” Eddie cried, face burning. “Go catch your stupid fucking plane.” 

Richie frowned and yanked open the back seat door. He nearly fell out then slammed it shut. Eddie was about to gas it out of there when the passenger seat door opened and Richie dropped to sit beside him.

“Listen, Kaspbrak-”

“I’m not comfortable with you calling me that.” Eddie said. “I never told you that was my name and I’m not sure how you came across this information but I think it’s creepy and not at all-”

“Shut  _ up.”  _ Richie hissed as he grabbed Eddie’s face in his hands. “First of all, you don’t get to be pissed at me when you’re the one who fucked me while you had a girlfriend.”

“I’m sorry.” Eddie deflated visibly.

Richie shrugged. “Whatever. I’m over it.” He ran his thumb along Eddie’s jawline. “There’s obviously something here. Between us. This is real, and weird as fuck because I don’t even know you but I’m pretty sure that I do.”

Eddie sighed and squeezed his eyes shut. “What do you want me to do, Richie?”

“Ditch this car.” Richie said firmly. “Come to L.A with me.”

“You’re fucking crazy.” Eddie said breathlessly. He could hear his heart beat in his ears. “I don’t even fucking know you! I met you last night and we fucked and... I broke up with my girlfriend this morning! I have a job and apartment and I-”

“Okay, okay.” Richie dropped his hands from Eddie’s cheeks. “You have access to my Twitter DM’s. If you ever wanna get together, hit me up.”

Eddie’s mouth dropped, but he couldn’t make words come out before Richie had ducked out of the car. He sat wordlessly in the front seat while Richie got his things out of the truck and disappeared into the airport without looking back. Eddie kept sitting there until the cars behind him began to honk and he finally pulled out of the parking lot and drove back to his empty apartment to see what leftovers were stuck in his fridge.


	3. may 21 2009

**TWO YEARS LATER**

Eddie Kaspbrak cringed as the stench of the place hit his nose. He turned his face away and tried to discreetly press the sleeve of his sweater to face to ward it away. Kay McCall turned to face him and grabbed hold of his arm. “What have I been telling you?” She said sharply. “Stop passing judgement before you’ve experienced anything.” 

Eddie rolled his eyes. In the two years since he’d walked away from his relationship with Myra- or more accurately, forced her to walk away from it- Eddie had grown to accept that part of him he was sure he’d been running away from since his youth. There were dim, blurry memories of being a kid with sweaty hands and a pounding heart but he could never touch them. Sometimes, in his dreams, Eddie was sure he did- but they were gone when he woke up, leaving only a vague feeling of yearning left behind. 

He’d met Kay McCall nearly a year and a half earlier at the community center when Eddie had been having meetings to help with some ongoing mental health issues. It seemed that over decades of repression couldn’t just be turned off by coming out of the closet and ran much deeper. Kay had been an irreplaceable piece of Eddie’s self acceptance. Without her persistence that Eddie go out, that Eddie experience all these positive things, Eddie didn’t doubt for a second that he would have been sitting alone every weekend for the last two years.

And he hadn’t been, that was a beautiful thing. Eddie had gone out, he’d gone to clubs and bars and parades. He’d painted his body in neon colours and danced under black lights. He’d had a few short lived relationship with men Eddie would have allowed himself to look twice at before. Eddie had come to trust Kay blindly in every activity she suggested. Until tonight.

“I fucking hate comedians.” 

“So you keep saying,” Kay said. “But you refuse to give me any sort of reasonable explanation to why that is, so I’ve chosen to continue to ignore you.”

Eddie shook his head, and scowled at the ground. He wasn’t entirely how to begin to explain his animosity towards comedians. How  _ could  _ he explain the broken, faded memory of a comedian, a hotel room and a name that always seemed to be on the tip of his tongue?

“I’m  _ only  _ doing this for your stupid date.” Eddie said stubbornly. “You say this girl is the real deal, and I’m choosing to believe you. This better be serious.” 

Kay rolled her eyes. It was, of course. Eddie knew that Kay had had many partners since they’d become friends, some lasting for weeks and Eddie possibly even getting a name, but Kay had never - not once- invited Eddie to meet one of her girlfriends before now. 

“I don’t know anything about this guy. I Googled him, he’s some white dude. Reggie or something. Very mixed reviews.” Kay said simply. “Beverly seems to think he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to comedy, and I’m letting her pick the date so here we are.”

Eddie raised his brow but knew better than to say anything. Kay grabbed Eddie by the arm and didn’t so much  _ guide him  _ through the crowd as  _ yanked him.  _ This was fine. This was used to and expected. What wasn’t expected was the soft, almost bashful smile when a short, redhead girl pushed her way through the crowd and ran up to them. 

‘Hey,” she said, almost out of breath. She and Kay held long eye contact until Eddie cleared his throat. When Beverly turned and met Eddie’s gaze, his breath caught suddenly in his throat and he wondered for the first time in many years if he’d need to use his inhaler. Beverly’s eyes blew wide for a moment, her mouth opened then clapped back shut just as suddenly. She seemed to almost shake herself, then offered her hand out. 

“Beverly.” She said with a sweet smile. “My friends can call me Bev.”

“Eddie.” Eddie shook her hand quickly, and Beverly didn’t say anything when Eddie immediately pulled a small bottle of hand sanitizer from his jeans pocket. “Tell me more about this bozo, but Kay is not convincing at all.” 

“I understand the skepticism.” Beverly said as she draped an arm around Kay’s shoulders. Eddie watched for a moment and waited for Kay to shrug her touch off, but no rejective motion happened. “But trust me, this guy Richie is actually good. He’s come a long way in the last couple years, and I don’t know, he talks about chicks a lot but I get a bit of a gay vibe-”

Eddie’s hearing buzzed out, brain seemed to float right out of his ear and out of the bar. Richie… comedian… his heart was suddenly at risk of exploding right out of his chest. He pressed his hand against his hand to his chest, able to feel his heartbeat through his shirt and sweater. Blurry memory began to ring into focus.

“I fucking hate comedians.” Eddie lied under his breath. Nobody listened. They moved to their seats that was being held by a tall, thin man with blonde hair that seemed to already be balding at the top and an orange stain on his shirt. Eddie stopped and turned to the two women.

“I didn’t agree to a double date.” Eddie said sharply. “Especially not a  _ blind, surprise  _ double date.”

Beverly glanced away, biting at her thumb nail but Kay held Eddie’s gaze without a flinch. “Eddie. You haven’t been laid in what- four months? Just give him a chance.” 

Eddie glanced back at his supposed date and watched as wiped snot from his nose on the sleeve of his hoodie. Eddie and Bev pulled mirrored looks of disgust. “Not fucking happening.”

“Sorry.” Beverly said quietly to him. “He was kind of the only person available and Kay didn’t tell me until tonight that she wanted a date for you and-”

“And you don’t have to fuck that guy, because he’s pretty disgusting.” Kay broke in with exasperation. Eddie glared at him. “ _ But  _ are you getting some tonight, I’m going to make sure of it.”

Eddie thought of how his stomach had been in butterflies since he’d heard Richie’s name, and how his face was still burning, and wasn’t so sure that was going to be an issue. The lights began to dim before Eddie could give any sort of response, negative or positive, and they all quickly moved to their seats. Eddie silently thanked a God he wasn’t sure he believed in that there wasn’t time to introduce him to the dirty date before the show began.

In complete honesty, Eddie couldn’t tell you much about the show itself. He thought at one point, he’d noticed that Richie’s jokes had gotten better than what he’d listened to years before but he didn’t have enough memory of the old stand up to be sure. It still wasn’t good by any means, but the crowd seemed to eat it up. He thought maybe Richie seemed a little more passionate, a little more comfortable, and that made a world of a different even with shitty dirty jokes. 

“That guy was hilarious.” Eddie’s “date” said as he wiped the barbeque sauce from their chicken wings his hands on his jeans. 

Eddie looked through the crowd at nothing, simply for an excuse to  _ not  _ look at the date he hadn’t bothered to learn the name of. In his haste to keep his eye line away, it took Eddie a moment to realize where it had landed. Not until he realized that he’d accidentally caught the eye of none other than Richie Tozier himself.

Eddie as good as vomited his heart up into his mouth when Richie winked at him. His stomach fluttered and he broke out into a cold sweat across the back of his neck. Richie whispered something to the shorter man by his side- a boyfriend? His manager, maybe- and then he was walking towards them.

“Heya, Eds.” Richie said with an easy grin. “Long time no see.”

Kay turned to Eddie with wide eyes, mouth half open, and Beverly had a confused frown on her face. Eddie wanted the Earth to open up and swallow him whole. “Yep.” Eddie said begrudgingly. “Richie, this is my best friend, Kay, and her friend Beverly.”

“Friend?” Richie challenged as he took and shook Kay’s hand. 

She raised her brow at him. “Girlfriend.” She said angrily. “Is that a problem?”

Eddie pursed his lips to hide a smile as Richie let out a soft laugh. “Trust me, ladies. It is the opposite of a problem.”

Beverly gasped and slapped at Richie’s shoulder. “Hey, hey! Careful, Red!” Richie said, but he was laughing. “If security sees you knocking me around, it won’t be too good for you.” 

Beverly just laughed at him. “I  _ knew  _ you were gay. I fucking knew it.” An odd expression came over Richie’s face then, and Eddie almost felt bad for him. “We gays have a sense about this. You’ll get there. It comes with coming out.”

Richie’s face blocked them out. “I’m out to the people who matter to me.”

“And portraying yourself as straight asshole for the world to see.” Beverly said with a shrug. “Sure, it’s funny and it sells, but don’t you think it would be more impactful if you were a gay comedian?”

“I  _ AM  _ a gay comedian.” Richie said sharply. “And if I started telling jokes about being gay and fucking men from bars, I’d be an unemployed gay comedian.” 

“Hey.” Eddie said softly. His eyes were on Kay and Beverly, put he hoped that Richie could sense that the words he directed at them were for his benefits. “It’s not an easy thing to do. You should know not to push people.”

A silence settled over them, the buzz of the bar behind them, and Eddie began to fidget where he stood. Richie cleared his throat and scratched the back of his neck. “Listen-” he said, pursing his lips. “I’m supposed to go to some sort of big name after party now, stupid publicity garbage.”

Eddie tried not to feel disappointed, but Richie kept talking.

“But that’s not really my thing. I’ve never cared about publicity before.” Richie said with a grin. “So, I’ve got a bunch of better ideas. If you guys are down.” 

Beverly’s eyes blew open wide. “For real? Are you serious?”

Richie reached out and pinched Eddie’s cheeks. “Course. Any friends of Eds are friends of mine.” Eddie swatted Richie’s hands away, stubbornly refusing to look at Kay despite how much of an effort she was putting into meeting his gaze. 

“Well, hell yeah!” Kay said as she pushed on a dazed Beverly’s shoulders. “Let’s fucking go!”

“Let’s fucking go!” Richie repeated, looking at Kay with a mixture of awe and wariness. Richie wrapped an arm around Eddie’s waist and squeezed his hip once. Then let go quickly, gesturing wildly towards the back door. Richie walked towards it and Beverly began to immediately skip after him, her face light up like that of a child. 

Kay turned slowly to Eddie, brows raised and a soft smirk settled on her lips. “So… does  _ he  _ have anything to do with you hating comedians?”

Eddie frowned.  _ Did he?  _ Eddie hadn’t thought about Richie Tozier since… well, probably since Richie had gotten on that plane in New York that same day. He had vague memories of meeting a guy in a bar who prompted his spilt from Myra, a weird twinge in his stomach that told him it was the best sex he’d ever had, but until tonight he hadn’t been able to put that memory to a face. But now? Yeah. That face was Richie Tozier. But Eddie didn’t hate that experience, not at all, it was a good one. A life changing one. Not one that prompted hatred or hard feelings.

“No.” Eddie said with a roll of his eye. “I hate comedians because they make their living being not funny about minorities and as a marginalized person,-”

“Alright.” Kay tossed an arm around Eddie’s shoulders and started guiding him towards the back door. “We all get it. You’re a big-time activist now, we did a good job with you, Kaspbrak. Now our next task is getting you to let your hair down.”

“My hair is always down.” Eddie said with a smile. Kay bounced on her toes and kissed him on the cheek. They pushed out the back door at Eddie’s mouth dropped open at the sight of the limo parked out back. Beverly was inside, her head poking out the sun roof. Richie was leaning against the car door, smoking.

“Hasn’t anybody ever told you those things will kill you?” Eddie asked, knowing his voice was all too cheerful. Richie looked up at him and grinned. 

“With the lifestyle I live?” Richie asked with a wave of his head. “Something is going to kill me long before my smoking habits do.”

Eddie didn’t like the twinge that settled in his stomach at Richie’s joke and he forced a smile. Richie clasped Eddie on the shoulder and he helped usher Eddie into the back. Kay dove in after them, and Eddie found himself pressed right up against Richie’s side. He could feel the heat radiating off him and Eddie’s heart began to race in his chest. He fought the urge to lean up against him completely, telling himself that he needed to maintain at least the slightest hint of dignity in this situation. 

Beverly kept her head out the sun roof for the first several minutes of the ride, and her hair was a bird’s nest when she dropped back inside, grinning from ear to ear. Eddie couldn’t help back grin back. “So where are we going?” Beverly asked, messing with her hair in a furitious attempt to tame the mess. “Never did tell us.”

Richie let out a long, exhale of smoke from the joint between his fingers and grinned lazily at her. “You get into car’s with strangers and it takes you nearly fifteen minutes to ask where they’re taking you?”

Beverly shrugged, still grinning. “I’d get in anybody’s limo, stranger or not.”

Richie shook his head, eyes half open. He offered the joint over to Eddie, who’s breath caught in his throat. “Oh, no, I have-”

_ “ASTHMA, ASSHOLE.” Eddie cried, smacking at Richie’s shoulders. Richie laughed, and fell backwards against the dirt and grass. They were sitting up at the top of the Quarry, feet dangling over the edges, as the sun went down in front of them. Richie had been working at a joint for the better part of a couple minutes, and Eddie had been choosing to ignore it until Richie had offered it over to him.  _

_ “I think we both know that you don’t.” Richie replied, and there was something all too appealing about Richie when he was high. Eddie supposed he always found Richie appealing, though he’d never admit it to another living, breathing human (and certainly not to Richie) but the way Richie almost seemed to turn into lower power mode when he was high just held Eddie’s interest so intensely. It was Richie he was still getting to know, barely beginning to understand. And that captivated him. _

_ “Put that shit out.” Eddie demanded. “Put it out or I swear to God I’ll throw it over the edge.” _

_ “Oh, really? And you’ll buy me more then.” Richie said and waggled his eyebrows. “For all you know, Eds, this could be all I’ve got left.” _

_ “I don’t care how much you have!” Eddie cried. “And I would not be buying you more because it’s illegal and you shouldn’t even have this in the first place, you know? You know all about the health risks just as well as I do!” _

_ “Nobody knows any health risks as well as  _ you  _ do, Eddie Kaspbrak.” Richie pointed out, before taking another hit of the joint. Eddie watched his lips intently as the smoke blew out through him and he tried to force his heart race to slow down. This was a new feeling for Eddie, over the last few months. Richie doing little things that made Eddie feel like he’d just run a marathon. It was harder to pretend that Richie Tozier didn’t affect him deeply.  _

_ “You know things people tell you about health is bullshit, though.” Richie continued, but Eddie was a little more focused on Richie’s fingers pulling on his own bottom lip as though he’d just remembered he had one. His legs and hands kept occasionally twitching and Eddie’s eyes followed the motion each time. “It’s just what the man wants you to think. Weed is good for us, and they want to keep it from us because they can’t make money off it.” _

_ “You’re such a fucking a  _ stoner,  _ Rich, oh my God.” Eddie rolled his eyes but he couldn’t help the little giggles that were building up in his chest.  _

_ “So you really aren’t going to have any? Not even for me? Your bestest friend?” Richie held the joint out towards Eddie, and spending so much time with Richie, Stan and Beverly the smell of the weed didn’t bother him as much as it used to. That fact made him uneasy.  _

_ “Bestest isn’t a word.” Eddie replied, turning his eyes back to the sky. _

_ Richie scoffed. “Oh, okay. Whatever. You aren’t gonna have any at all? Eddie? Eds? Ed-” _

“Earth to Eddie!” Kay’s voice suddenly caught through his mind. 

Eddie jumped in the seat, suddenly aware that the limo was moving and Richie was still holding the joint out in his direction. Eddie looked slowly over Richie’s face, his heart hammering in his chest and his brain reeling to find a grasp on reality. Real or not real. “What?” He asked, voice coming out almost a hoarse whisper.

“Do you want a hit?” Richie asked him lazily, the paper burning and wasting between his fingers has he watched Eddie. 

“No, I have-” Eddie broke off again, brain buzzing inside his head and heart picking the pace back up. 

Richie raised his eyebrows. “Have what?”

Eddie cleared his throat and reached his fingers out for Richie’s joint. “Nothing. Give it to me.” Richie handed it over willingly and as Eddie put the joint between his lips, something deep inside told him that this wasn’t his first time smoking weed. 

Richie patted his back, and made soothing sounds as Eddie coughed and his chest burned. “It’s alright, dude. The more you cough, the higher you get.” 

A familiar phrase.  _ Familiar.  _ A word that Eddie Kaspbrak would like to stop applying to Richie Tozier, because it never failed to make him feel on edge. Before Eddie could feel anything besides the tightness in his chest, the limo was suddenly taking a left and skidding across something that felt much more like dirt than any real road. 

“Where are we going?” Beverly asked, from where she’d draped herself across Kay’s lap once returning inside from the sun roof. Eddie thought that maybe this weed was laced with something, because there was  _ no way  _ Kay McCall was just letting some girl lay in her lap and there was zero possibility that she was actually running her fingers through the girl’s long red hair. And yet-

“We’re not going anywhere.” Richie said with a grin. He popped the back door of the limo open before the vehicle had slowed to a complete stop, and Eddie rested his head against the seat of the limo to watch him. “We’re already here.”

Eddie tumbled out the limo on Richie’s tail, with Kay and Beverly following and whispering behind them. Eddie squinted out the darkness around him, unaware that he was leaning against Richie’s side. “Central Park after dark? So you’ve taken us here to be murdered?”

Richie let out a little awkward half-laugh, hand unconsciously going to spread around the small of Eddie’s back. “Nothing so sinister as that.” Richie said. “Just that most of the times I’ve spent in New York have been spent in a bar or in a hotel room.” 

Eddie’s face burned, but even more than embarrassment over Richie speaking of the night they’d spent together, Eddie felt a weird sense of jealousy of the verbal acknowledgment of other people being with Richie like he had been. Before him, and worse, after him. Eddie knew perfectly well that he couldn’t be mad that Richie had slept with people before they’d met, and he had even less right to be mad about Richie may or may not had slept with after their literal one night stand. He had been the one to say no, to go home and ignore what he’d also felt. 

Eddie shivered almost violently as he walked through the grass, knowing it was getting his shoes wet and likely ruining them completely. Oh well, Richie’s career was starting to really take off- Eddie could bill him for new shoes. Something fancy and expensive no doubt. He could afford it. 

Arms wrapped around Eddie’s middle and he startled as he looked down at Kay, who grinned back up at him. “Oh, Miss Kay gets cuddly when high? Nice to know.”

She laughed, and squeezed Eddie’s middle until he coughed then released him. She turned away and moved over to Beverly, taking her back the face and kissing her deeply. Eddie frowned awkwardly to himself, and turned back towards the dark park. He felt Richie walk up beside him but he didn’t turn to look at him.

“You know, it’s kind of weird.” Richie said, but he wasn’t looking at Eddie either. “Until I saw you tonight, I don’t think I even remembered you. Which makes me sound like an absolute monster, but-”

“Nah, don’t worry about it.” Eddie said lightly. “I didn’t remember you, either. At least not… specifically. I remembered an intense dislike for comedians, but it wasn’t  _ you  _ that I remembered. Until your show started at least.”

Richie snorted and took a drag of a cigarette. Eddie watched the smoke flow through the dark, and tried to pretend he thought it was gross rather than attractive. “Don’t know why you’re walking around hating comedians. You’re the one who ripped my heart out at an airport, all I did was give you some sweet, sweet loving.”

Eddie made a rough noise at the back of his throat. “You sprialled my entire gay crisis and prompted me to have to change my entire life. I think I deserve a little bit of resentment here, man.”

“Man, I met you at a gay bar. I don’t think I started anything. You were already on your way there yourself.” Richie laughed. “Besides, don’t you feel better now? Rather than marrying some chick because you thought you had to, and playing the role of some straight husband when you were really miserable and craving some good dick. I think you owe me a thank you, actually.”

Eddie shook his head and finally turned to Richie. “You’re right. Thank you, Trashmouth, for being just hot enough that I confessed fully to myself that I wanted to suck dick.”

Richie grinned at him. “Well, you’re here with me now, aren’t you? There must be something about me you like. Besides the fact that I have a dick.”

“You also have a limo, and I didn’t have anything better to do tonight.” Eddie said slowly, letting the words roll off his tongue. Richie continued to look at him, head tilted with a goofy smile on his face. “Did it… I’m not going to apologize for not getting on a plane with a stranger that day. I still think I made the right call.”

“Yeah, you probably did.” Richie said slowly. “I knew that even as you did it, but Eds… God, I still can’t shake the feeling that I knew you. That we’re somehow supposed to meet.”

Eddie didn’t say anything, keeping his eyes on Richie as Richie dropped his cigarette and crushed into the ground. Eddie didn’t even lecture him on the littering, waiting for Richie to finish whatever train of thought he was going down. “And what are the odds that your best friend would just so happen to drag you to see that comedian who asked you to drop your life for him two years ago? On the one night I performed at a small bar for nearly a year. Come on, that can’t be coincidence, Eds.”

“You’re a believer in the universe, I admire that.” Eddie said dryly. “You’ll ask a stranger to run away with you after one night. It’s sweet and it’s insane. Sometimes coincidences do exist.”

Richie looked at him, face suddenly somber. He reached out and took Eddie’s hand in his. Eddie tried to ignore the electric shock it sent running through him. “It’s not just any stranger, you know. There’s something about you, Eddie Kaspbrak. And I think, for you, there’s something about me, too.”

“Maybe.” Eddie agreed. “But I still don’t know you, you don’t know me. Our lives are so different, it’s like we have anything in common or even live on the same side of the country. We ran into each other twice in two years. That’s not exactly some great romance story.”

“It could be if we let it be.” Richie said wistfully. “But don’t fret, Eds. I’m not asking you to run away with me this time. I tried that, but it didn’t work. I don’t offer up potentially life changing decisions to the same dude twice, no matter how drawn I am to him.”

For whatever reason, disappointment settled itself in Eddie’s stomach. He’d already worked himself up, gotten himself ready to tell Richie no, and to find that Richie wasn’t going to ask was a let down. Why he wanted Richie to ask him, he had no idea. Probably the same reason he had no idea why he was more comfortable around Richie Tozier than he was around people he’d known most of his life.

Richie turned around and grinned at Kay and Beverly, who were running through the park fountain. “You’ve got a good thing going here. Much better than last time I met you. Good people in your life. You shouldn’t turn your back on that, and I don’t even want you, too. Like you said- you don’t even know me. And maybe I don’t know you. But they-” he gestured to Eddie’s friends. “They’re good people. Keep them around.”

“I plan to.” Eddie said, throat suddenly dry. “You’re good people, too, Rich.”

Richie turned to look at him, a soft smile on his face. “Thought you said you didn’t know me.”

Eddie shrugged one shoulder. “I’m good at reading people. You put on some big show, but you’re the kind of person who’d stopped to pet a cat no matter how late he was running… and he believes in romance. Soulmates. You’ll find yours, Richie. Someday.”

Richie let out a loud sigh as something in his suit pocket started beeping loudly. He rolled his eyes. “My team has officially realized that I haven’t made it back to my hotel yet. They’ve got me on a tight lease these days.” He held his hand out and Eddie took it without a second thought. “Hey, ladies! If you want a ride back, let’s move it.”

Beverly and Kay stumbled into limo, giggling, and Eddie tried to ignore their kisses as Eddie gave Richie the directions to Kay’s apartment- and Richie gave the directions to his driver. It wasn’t a super far drive, the streets of New York surprisingly calm as they drove through. Eddie kept his eyes trained out the window, and his hand resting on Richie’s bouncing knee.

He watched Beverly and Kay tumble back out of the limo outside Kay’s apartment and moved to follow them, but Richie’s hand wrapped around his wrist. Eddie turned back to him, and his heart fluttered as Richie leaned forward and tucked a piece of paper into the front pocket of Eddie’s jeans. 

“If you ever find yourself wondering about the universe,” Richie said, his voice cracking through a dry throat. “Give me a call. I think I’ll be seeing you again, Eddie Kaspbrak.”

Eddie reached out, cupped the side of Richie’s face and kissed him deeply. He let their foreheads press together for a moment before pulling back and climbing out of the limo. He watched the limo drive off until it completely disappeared from view. 


	4. june 5 2009 | august 10 2009

**June 5 2009**

Richie wasn’t sure how to tell his manager that he didn’t want to do stand up anymore. That maybe he’d  _ never really  _ wanted to do stand up. He liked making people laugh, and he vaguely remembered wanting to be a vanquilist when he was a kid but he’d never been able to stop his mouth from moving with the words. It was fitting that now, Richie’s job was almost just exclusively moving his mouth. Richie had gotten terrifyingly good at walking on stage, flicking off his brain and transforming into Trashmouth™. That had long since stopped bothering him, but as his career took off, Richie found himself having to be Trashmouth™ more and more and Richie less and less. He was suddenly surrounded by people who only really saw him as the foul mouthed, sex crazed myogynist his ghost writers had him protrayed as on stage. They’d promised him that kind of shit sold, and they’d been right, but suddenly all his friends  _ actually  _ thought and spoke like Trashmouth™ and it made him queasy. He could only handle sitting through so many homophobic and sexist conversations before he felt Richie would melt right out of him and Trashmouth™ would be all that was left of him. He couldn’t let that happen… he just didn’t know how to tell anybody. 

He was doing a string of shows in Georgia, because Richie’s shows always sold better the further south he went. Richie hated the South, and not just because of his whole bisexuality thing, but because the weather sucked, the accents annoyed him and Richie Tozier did not belong anywhere where the potential of rodeo or circus existed. (Richie Tozier didn’t know anything about the Southern United States). 

Richie had been born in Maine, one of the coldest states in this god forsaken country, and in 1992 his family had moved up north of the border. Richie had come back to the United States after university, because everybody told him that he would be better off getting a job in show business in America rather than Canada. He hadn’t been totally sure that was true, but he’d gotten successful pretty quickly after moving back down here so he wasn’t about to argue it. 

“I don’t know what you’re upset about.” Audra Phillips, one of Richie’s few true friends, was saying to him while packing up Richie’s hotel room. He was so ready to leave the Devil behind, and get started on his break. He was fully debating on going to Canada to see his parents, it had been too long and every phone conversation with his mom felt like a guilty knife to the chest, but Richie had things he needed to take care of.

“You’ve been doing this for years, Rich.” Audra carried on, scowling at one Richie’s ratty overshirts before tossing it directly into the hotel bedside garbage. “You’re good at it, you’re making great money, you get to stay in the nicest hotels and see the country. What else could you possibly want? You’re doing things most people dream of.”

Richie huffed out an aggravated breath. “You’re telling me you never think of leaving all this behind? Not even when paparazzi follow you around the grocery store or TMZ leaks half truths that destroy your relationships.” 

Audra crossed her arms over her chest. “First of all, no, I don’t. I’m living my dreams, Richie, that’s more than most people can say! And when was the last time Paparazzi followed you anywhere? Never? What’s really bugging you out, Richie?”

“I don’t know,” Richie said, only half-lying. “It’s like… sure, I’m doing great financially, and it’s nice that people want to see my shows but it’s not like they actually like me. The person they’re coming to see is basically the anti Richie. If I come out, I will lose all my fans because they’re a bunch of homophobic asstwats because that’s the audience I have to cater to.”

“Are you thinking of coming out?” Audra asked.

“Not like… tomorrow, but someday, yeah.” Richie said quietly. “I’m not going to live my life in the closet. It’s not like it’s the 1980s anymore. Honestly, if it wasn’t for my shows and how coming out would basically make all my content unuseable, I probably would have come out already. Or at least not been so hard on sneaking around.”

Audra dropped down on the hotel bed and smiled sadly up at him. “You shouldn’t have to live a lie forever, Richie, but you’ve got to be reasonable about this, too. You can’t just up and quit, you know that. You’re on a contract, Steve will not hesistate to sue the fuck out of you if you try to skimp out-” 

“My contract ends with this tour,” Richie said. “That’s why I’ve been thinking about it so much, they’re trying to get me to sign on for another three years and I just… I’m 30, Auds. I don’t want to spend another three years of my life touring around to states to hate, telling jokes I don’t relate to and letting people think I can for things that I don’t. I hate that people can use my acts to justify their bullshit, you know? Three more years of that would literally make me want to kill myself.”

Audra froze for a moment, then shook her head. “If you’re having thoughts again then we can-”

“No.” Richie snapped. “It’s not like that, and before you ask-  _ no,  _ I’m not using anymore. I’m not going down any sort of self destructive path. I’m just… tired. I’m 30, and I’m in the closet and I’m tired.” 

Audra nodded slowly. “Okay, then here’s what you’ve got to do, then. Go to talk to somebody at your bank today before you head out, just see what you’re looking at financially. Figure out how long you can bank on your ass without working while you figure out what you want to do. Then go home and see your momma, because she probably misses you, and tell Steve that you will give them an answer to resigning when you get back.”

“And what if I don’t want to come back?” Richie asked quietly.

“Then you don’t have to.” Audra said simply. “But Steve the bullshit excuse anyway. It’ll get you across the border way easier then if you tell him that you tell him to go fuck himself and that his biggest profit cilent is leaving him.”

There was only one branch of Richie’s bank in Atlanta, and Richie took a moment to appreciate Steve’s power as he was ushered through the bank and immediately back to meet with one of their accountants. The man on the other side of the desk wore a simple grey suit with the jacket draped over the back of his chair. His white button up shirt was rolled up to his elbows, and his hair was in tight, proper brown curls around his head. He was, in short, somebody who usually made Richie’s mouth water just at the sight but for some reason, he wasn’t attracted to the man despite how his energy put Richie immediately at ease.

STANLEY URIS, according to the sign on his desk, gave Richie a polite smile. “So, Mr. Tozier, what can we help you with today?”

Richie let out a long, slow sigh. “I’m gonna be honest with you. I’m here because I wanna quit my job, but my best friend told me that I should make sure that isn’t the world’s worst idea ever.”

Stanley Uris chuckled, and clicked on a few things on his computer. “I’m not usually prone to telling people to quit their jobs, but based on your accounts here, you’d be able to make due for at least a year if not more on your savings only. Permitting you don’t go around making any outrageous and sentrous purchases. Basic costs of living wouldn’t be a concern for a while.”

Richie had already known that, mostly. He’d only agreed to come here to soothe Audra’s nerves. Money hadn’t been a concern of Richie’s in many years, but it was nice to know he’d be okay for a while while he figured out what it was he wanted from life. What he could do. 

Stanley turned in his chair and met Richie’s gaze with a wiry look. “I’m not prone to getting involved with my consults personal lives, but I have to ask Mr Tozier- why are you thinking of quitting your job? I won’t pretend your particular brand of comedy is up my alley, but you seem to have made a name for yourself in the business. Is it wise of you to walk away now?”

Richie blinked. “I don’t know anything about what’s wise or what isn’t, I never have. But I do know that this name I’ve made for myself, like you said, isn’t the name I want to carry forever. It isn’t me, and I guess I want the world to see me for who I am now.” 

“Well.” Stanley’s lips twitched up in a hint of smile. “As you inquired, you’d certainly be able to make due for a quite a while figuring out what it is you want your name to be, Mr. Tozier. And a piece of advice, if I may?” Richie nodded. “There’s nothing wrong with trying to find yourself, Richie. I went through most of my life mocked for who I was, or who I hung around, or what my religious beliefs were. And it stung for a long time, but I’m glad that I stuck it out. I’m a loser and I always fucking will be. It’s often not worth it to put on a mask and pretend all the time. Be who you want to be, be proud.” 

Richie definitely was not tearing up in the middle of a bank office. This strange accountant had somehow struck something deep within Richie that not even his trained therapist or NA sponsors had ever been able to reach. Almost like he  _ knew…  _ but that wasn’t possible.

“Yeah.” Richie said through a voice crack. “Thanks, Stan the Man. I’ll do that.”

Richie made a quick exit from the bank, truly worried for a moment that he might begin to cry in the middle of this poor man’s office. He made a rushed phone call to Steve, just Audra had advised, telling him that he needed some time to clear his head and he was going back to Canada for the short while between legs of his stand up tour. That he’d have an answer for Steve regarding his contract when he got back. Steve hadn’t been thrilled with the whole thing, but Richie supposed he was thankful that it wasn’t a straight up no. Previous attempts at negotiation hadn’t looked good, and Richie knew that. 

As Richie was getting onto the plane, his phone buzzed. He pulled it out, ready to turn the device off as he boarded and he frowned at the notification. Steve had said he was going to give Richie the space he’d requested and he usually waited a couple days before he broke those promises.

**Hey Richie. I know you said you needed time but SNL is interested in signing you as a full time cast member when your tour is over. Call me when you land. -Steve** . 

* * *

_ “Aren’t you worried about the cold?” Eddie Kaspbrak asked, legs draped over Richie’s in the front steps of the Tozier house. It was nearly completely packed up, the family only waiting for the school year to finish out before they took off. They wouldn’t even be staying for the summer. Eddie wished he’d known that last summer was truly going to be their last summer.  _

_ “Why would I be worried about the cold?” Richie replied with a snort. “We live in Maine, Eddie boy! I’m used to the cold by now.” _

_ Eddie wrinkled his nose and smacked Richie in the shoulder. “In the winter, sure! But Canada- That’s winter all year ‘round, isn’t it? Won’t you miss swimming and shorts? How are people supposed to know that you have terrible fashion sense if you have to dress in parkas all year long?” _

_ Richie laughed, and it made Eddie’s heart flutter in his chest. “Canada has four seasons just like every other country, Eds! My momma says that their summers can even get pretty hot. It’s not a land of make belief, or anything. Why are you hating on it so bad?” _

_ “I’m not hating on anything.” But Eddie thought maybe he did hate Canada, a little bit. He hated that Richie was moving to Canada, a whole other country. It was hard enough when Beverly moved to Portland and Ben moved to another state. Another country might as well be an entire other world. Mike believed that the further people got away from Derry, the more they forgot and Eddie was having a particularly hard time thinking about Richie forgetting him while possibly living in a snowbank. _

_ “Stop.” Richie suddenly groaned. He reached out and shook Eddie’s shoulders. “Stop thinking so damn hard, you’re making my head hurt. I don’t wanna think about it, and I don’t want you thinking about it! We can’t stop it, so can we please just spend the next month having fun and being us and NOT thinking about it?” _

_ Eddie sighed and in a moment of weakness, dropped his head down to rest on Richie’s shoulders. He knew they were out in the open, that anybody could walk past and just… see them like this. It wasn’t safe, but for the moment, Eddie didn’t care. Derry was already hell, and nothing could make it worse than Richie leaving.  _

_ “I’m not trying to dwell on it.” Eddie said quietly, curling up into Richie’s side fully. “I’m not, it’s just…” _

_ “Nah, yeah, I get it.” Richie wrapped an arm around Eddie’s shoulder and jostled him slightly. “But there’s no sense stressing about the things we can’t control, you know? Life in the moment, Eddie my love!”  _

_ Eddie exhaled hard. “Richie… I need to tell you something.”  _

* * *

**August 10 2009**

Eddie Kaspbrak hated airports. There was something about the energy in the place that just made Eddie feel wild and horrible. He always drove himself, always. No matter how many times people told him that flying was safer than driving, that it was stupid to drive across country when flying could get him somewhere within a day. Eddie Kaspbrak hadn’t flown since 1999 on a forced family vacation with his mother and aunts. Until today. 

Eddie would much rather be making the drive to Derry rather than getting on a plane at JFK but his aunt Darlene had  _ insisted  _ that Eddie fly out to Bangor, that six hours was much too long. His mother might not last that long, and Eddie would  _ so regret it  _ if he wasn’t there with her when she passed. Eddie wasn’t sure if that was true, but he’d bought the last minute plane ticket anyway. He wasn’t too sure what a difference five hours would make, but it was never worth it arguing with his mother or his aunts. 

From what Aunt Darlene had told him, Sonia Kaspbrak was as good as gone already. A stroke, late last night. The doctors weren’t hopeful for any recovery, or even for the woman to regain consciousness. It left a sick feeling in Eddie’s stomach, thinking of his mother in a hospital bed, as good as gone and being kept alive by machines. It made him feel even sicker to know that it was exactly how she’d want to go, holding onto life and sucking up resources and doctor’s time right up until the very end. Eddie had kept his mother at a distance as much as possible since leaving home for college, and in the last two years he hadn’t spoken to her at all. He’d felt no desire to. She’d made his life hard, so much harder than it had ever needed to be. He was certain that if it hadn’t been for her, he would have come out long before he did. Myra would never have happened. To this day, at 30 years old, Eddie was still trying to figure out what things are true and what are lies from her influence. He wasn’t sure he ever  _ wasn’t  _ going to fuck up from her, and maybe she didn’t deserve him by her bedside at all. Kay had told him that she didn’t, that Eddie shouldn’t put himself through it. He didn’t owe her a goddamn thing, and Eddie knew she was right.

Eddie Kaspbrak hated airports, he hated flying, he hated goddamn Maine and he fucking hated his mother. His plane was going to start to board any minute and Eddie was still sitting in the waiting area with his emergency overnight bag tightly in his grip. He was rapidly running out of time to make good on this plane ticket that he’d bought on his messley cab driver salary. 

“Well, I’ll be damned.” A familiar voice carried over to Eddie through the waiting room. “Is that Eddie fucking Kaspbrak?”

Eddie turned in his seat, and grinned when he noticed none other than Richie Tozier walking towards him. His clothes were rumbled and he had a five o’clock shadow around his jaw that made Eddie’s stomach tighten. It was almost weird how little Richie Tozier crossed his mind, despite how intense his reaction was every time he saw him or even thought about him for too long. 

“Richie Tozier,” Eddie said slowly, face breaking into a grin. He stood and walked over to Richie, with his overnight slung over his shoulder. “Back in the world of the living I see. I think your fans were starting to think you died somewhere.”

“Awe, Eds. You been keeping tabs on lil ol’ me?” Richie chuckled, reaching out to pinch at Eddie’s cheeks. “No need to worry, Eddie boy. I was merely taking some me time in the great white North. My parents live in Canada, I went to visit them and clear my head.” 

Eddie’s chest twinged. “Well, welcome back to civilization then, I guess.”

“You’ve always been Canadianphobic huh, Eds?” Richie laughed but Eddie frowned deeply.

“What do you mean  _ always?”  _

Eddie and Richie looked at each other for a long moment, before Richie shook his head. “I don’t know, you just strike me as the type, I guess. What are you doing here? You don’t really strike me as the flying type.”

Eddie shuddered. “God, I’m not.” He said honestly. “But my mom is dying or some shit, and my aunt is pitching some drama fit about how a six hour car drive is too long so I  _ have  _ to take the plane.” 

Richie froze for a moment, mouth half open and eyes wide. Eddie braced himself for the evitable awkward apologies and sympathies that always came with the whole dead parent card. 

“That sucks man.” Richie said finally, with a shrug. “You going back to Derry all by yourself?”

Eddie had given up on trying to figure out how Richie just seemed to  _ know things  _ about him. It wasn’t even that weird anymore. “Yeah.” He answered with a sigh. “If I get my shit together and actually catch my plane. I’m cutting it pretty close.”

“Well…” Richie gave Eddie a soft smile. “If you didn’t want to take the trip alone, I’m not doing anything interesting. I’m supposed to be  _ settling into  _ my new apartment but that’s boring and I think it would be way more to go back to Derry with you and wreak havoc on your aunts.” 

“You’re moving to New York?” Eddie asked with wide eyes. He tried not to think about how a big reason he and Richie had never really been together was the constant distance and Richie’s travelling. He wasn’t sure Richie had even had a home before. 

“Yeah.” Richie suddenly seemed embarrassed. “I was trying to get out of the whole stand up game, and my manager got me a steady gig on  _ Saturday Night Live.”  _

“SNL?” Eddie gasped. “Richie! That’s huge! Congratulations!”

Richie’s cheeks reddened. “Thanks, man. But I’m serious about the offer. It’s no skin off my back at all. We can go see if they have tickets left, how many people could possibly be going to fucking Maine?”

Eddie should say no. It couldn’t bring Richie home with him, to his crazy aunts and his dead mother. To  _ Derry  _ at all. Eddie barely remembered Derry, outside of spending almost all his time locked up in his bedroom. But he remembered enough to know that it was a horrible place, almost like it was permanently stuck in the 1950s and there was something… evil about that place. Just thinking of it made Eddie’s palms sweat and knees shake. But on the other hand…

“It wouldn’t be good for our friendship for me to reject you twice at this stupid airport.” Eddie said, forcing his voice to be light. “Let’s go.” 


End file.
